


The Last Chance

by Tim (boywonder)



Category: Xenosaga
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-03
Updated: 2010-08-03
Packaged: 2017-10-11 04:30:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/108421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boywonder/pseuds/Tim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>This was…the last chance they had, wasn't it?</i></p><p><span class="small">Written for areyougame @ dw. Prompt was "Xenosaga, chaos/Canaan: last chances - like tears in rain"</span></p>
            </blockquote>





	The Last Chance

chaos didn't know how to respond to Canaan's inquiry. Of course, he had known about Program Canaan since they'd met. He'd been aware of the fact that Canaan himself didn't know about it, as well. And now, with Scientia's involvement, Canaan remembered it. chaos couldn't pretend to know what that would be like. Discovering that what you knew about yourself was only half of the truth…

"Canaan…"

There wasn't much time, and they were both aware of it. But even the jump would take more than a few minutes. With no one down here but them, those few minutes felt like a last chance, for redemption, or…for something else.

Even chaos couldn't see the future. All he could do was press on, like the rest of them, to whatever end they were running towards. He knew that not everyone would ever get a happy ending, as much as he wished that wasn't the case. If it had been up to him, none of this suffering would have happened. As it was, all he could do was stand with them.

Canaan looked up at him, as if he expected some sort of answer. chaos wanted to give him one, but there was nothing he could really say that would alter the Realian's feelings. It was too late for that now.

_If only that had been you._

Even chaos wasn't entirely sure what Canaan's comment had meant. If he was running the show, instead of Wilhelm, would that really matter? He had never had any desire to shape the course of the world until now. Even now, he didn't want to shape the entire course of human history…or even stop Wilhelm's efforts entirely. What he wanted was to find the peaceful solution they were all looking for. He didn't want to sit idly by and do nothing, as he had for so long. He wanted to believe in something. Maybe, in the end, it was the same thing Canaan wanted - a reason for existing.

chaos walked down the short flight of stairs separating them and walked over to where Canaan was waiting. The Realian reached out without thinking about it, and their hands touched.

"chaos," Canaan said, as if it were a statement and not a name.

chaos let his fingers intertwine with Canaan's, and smiled, just a little, though it never quite reached his eyes.

"We don't have much time," he said. Canaan nodded. This was…the last chance they had, wasn't it? Even now, the Realian realized that this was probably the last time he would see chaos alone like this. Things had been set in motion, and neither of them could undo them. He wondered if chaos knew that, as well.

When their eyes met, it was clear that chaos was all too aware of their situation. Even if no one else knew, or could know, chaos was different. He had always been different.

Canaan remembered when they'd met, fifteen years ago now. He hadn't trusted chaos at first, because he'd had no idea who - or what - chaos was. Even now, he wasn't sure he knew either of those things. But chaos was someone that was easy to trust, whether you were a human, a Realian, or something else.

He pulled chaos close to him, as he had done before, on other worlds, in other times. He didn't think it would be like this with anyone else. He hadn't even really thought that Realians could have such fully developed feelings for _anyone_. But chaos was just…different.

_If only that had been you._

For Canaan, kissing chaos was something he actually had to think about. Realians weren't built to have human desires. They could mimic human emotion. Some argued that their emotions were real, but Canaan didn't know if that was true. chaos had once said that he believed it was true, and that was enough, regardless of Canaan's own uncertainty. But kissing wasn't an instinctual act for a Realian, regardless of whether their emotions were more than programming. Realians couldn't procreate, so there was no need for base feelings of desire, or any kind of instinct that would be attached to it.

That didn't mean that Realians could _never_ experience desire, or anything that went with it. Sex was a physical sensation. Emotions probably helped - Canaan couldn't really say one way or the other - but the physical aspect was still there.

There wasn't time, though, to allow any sort of physical desire to take over entirely. He would have liked to, because it was chaos, and chaos was probably one of the only people alive that Canaan trusted without being told he had to. And also because…there wouldn't be another time.

There wasn't really even time to keep kissing, but neither of them stopped. Canaan could only guess as to why chaos did this. He had figured out long ago that _he_ did it _because_ of trust. There was no one else that was trustworthy like this, and there was probably no one else who would want anything to do with the physical reactions of a Realian. Whatever chaos was, he just, didn't think about things like that.

_But I'm a Realian, Canaan had said once._

You're you, chaos had responded.

They parted, reluctantly.

"They'll come looking for you," Canaan said, letting chaos go and turning away from him again. He didn't want to get too wrapped up in chaos right now. They were running out of time, in every way,

"It's all right," chaos said, though it wasn't clear what exactly he was referring to. Canaan wanted to believe him, though. He wanted things to be all right, and…they weren't.

He thought about what they were doing. They were going to save Nigredo, weren't they? Along with the rest of the Federation. But for Rubedo, this mission wasn't about anyone but his brother. Rubedo had already lost one brother - twice. And he was probably going to lose the other one before this was over. Admitting to Rubedo that his mission objective was something he hadn't meant for it to be was going to be hard. He didn't want to betray the URTV or his friends. He didn't want to betray chaos, either, although he supposed that he wasn't doing that. chaos had probably known from the beginning.

"You should go back," he said, but his voice was toneless. He didn't really want chaos to leave.

Maybe chaos was right about Realian emotions, after all. This attachment didn't make logical sense, but it "felt right," he supposed.

"I know," chaos said, but he wasn't in any particular hurry to leave. It was possible that the others would come looking, but he didn't really think so. There was no danger here, at least, not _inside_ the ship. They were going into danger, and everyone would be more preoccupied with that. It was as it should be, as far as chaos was concerned. For now, he'd just stand here, next to the Realian.

They had been friends for a long time, though he wasn't sure Canaan would have used that word.

chaos reached out again, and his hand found Canaan's. Despite the Realian's words, there was no resistance there as chaos moved closer to him again.

There was something frantic in their kiss this time, and Canaan didn't let chaos go when their mouths parted this time. He had no idea how he was going to find the strength to go through with this. He would have much rather stayed here, with the only person that would ever be entirely trustworthy, forever.

"I'm sorry I ever found out about Program Canaan," he said, and meant it. "Even if it meant I never knew the truth about myself, it would have been…"

But that was just a lie. Even if he hadn't known about it, the program itself would still be running. Even though it was going on in his subconscious, he was still betraying the people who had come to rely on him - people who considered him something of a friend.

"You don't have to do anything about it," chaos said, but the tone in his voice implied that he didn't think Canaan would listen to his advice.

"You should go back," Canaan said again, finally pulling his arms away.

As if he could sense what the Realian was thinking, chaos smiled, softly, sadly.

"I'll see you," he said.

Canaan nodded. chaos went back to join the others, and Canaan felt whatever it was between them lingering on his hands and lips, like an invisible thread that held them together. Even through everything that had to be done now, he could hold onto that invisible thread until there was nothing left to hold onto.

_If only it had been you._


End file.
